I was 40 years old when going through divorce. During that time I felt completely lost and my world was spinning out of control. I read many books on self-enlightenment and used meditation to center and calm my thoughts. It’s been 7 years since my divorce was final and I keep reading, meditating and making more goals. It helped me focus so much during divorce, why stop?
I was content in my marriage until it went tits up. I would come home from work to 3 very active kids and a wife I adored. I didn’t want more from life because I had it all. I didn’t want a job promotion, a new car or a new home. I was happy. Then things fell apart and for a long time during my divorce I felt empty with no direction in my life. I was going through the motions of going to work but I wasn’t fully there. My job was repetitive where I felt like an empty shell showing up to earn my paycheck. I wasn’t drinking or doing anything to alter my thinking just stuck in a lifeless state of being.
Before our divorce was final we decided to move back to Florida so I took some time off to search for places to live. Driving around in Florida alone for a full day looking at homes and apartments sounds nice but I was just going through the motions. I was just driving around in that empty shell of mine. After just one day, I had enough and got some food and went back to the hotel room. It was that evening in my hotel room I started wondering what I was doing. I started trying to define what I was going through. I didn’t want to go look for a place to live and couldn’t figure out what it was that I actually wanted. I felt completely separate from myself as if I were losing control of my reality. I was losing my mind.
“The quest for wholeness can never begin on the external level. It is always an inside job.” -Dr. Shefali Tsabary
A memory came to mind of my roommate in college meditating on his bed. I had never been around anyone doing this before so I had the opportunity to ask him questions about it and try it. He told me it was about centering yourself and your thoughts. I tried it and liked it but didn’t exactly understand it. So here I was in the hotel room feeling extremely lost in life with no direction so I meditated. It took a while to get centered with all the hotel noises of doors closing and elevator bells ringing but then my thoughts started to settle down. My thoughts started to focus only on my breathing. I felt calm and then a feeling of happiness as if to be regaining some control of my life. Then an impulsive thought that defined exactly what I had been feeling, my life was spinning out of control. By defining exactly what I was feeling and what I was going through is where I found direction. It gave me a sense of purpose and I knew what I needed to do next. Stop resisting what I couldn’t change and make the best of it. Hoping somewhere along the way I’ll find happiness and my kids will be less affected by this divorce.
Opening my eyes I now had direction, to not waste the trip to Florida and actually find a place to live. I succeeded with a couple of options with different plans. It felt so good to have direction that it relieved a lot of depression that was brought on by divorce. I had the choice of 2 different apartments. Preferred apartment A but if price wasn’t right and no availability then apartment B. I wrote down my plans on paper so I knew what needed to happen next. I was already approved to transfer to Florida with my employer so I didn’t have to think about that. My plans consisted of searching the web for comparing prices for a moving truck, blankets, boxes and tape. Then canceling phone contracts and cable television services to multiple address changes. I hadn’t realized that my self-confidence had been lost until gaining it back. Getting my plan together and acting on it became my therapy for divorce. It became my focus.
Since the divorce and moving to Florida I have many times over felt lost in my life. Each time I meditate I feel centered as a person and focus on the current moment. I feel as though I’m 47 and I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. I do enjoy writing but fail to see where I could make enough money doing it. So I’ll stick to what I know and try to find work in my field.
In the meantime, I continue to read books on self-enlightenment, mindfulness and meditations. I like learning about different ways of thinking about life. What works and what doesn’t. People such as Eckhart Tolle and Michael Singer have written books that feel like the truth because I identify with many things they have written.
If you feel as though your world is spinning out of control then try meditating. Exercise also helps clear the mental cloud. Try reading some books and focusing on learning a new way of dealing with life. It was Albert Einstein who said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”